Wherever

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." 

(Buddha)

The other day, I popped into church to light a candle for a friend. I exited onto the street, a short distance away from another woman who I know only to nod to. A man walking past turned to look at us and the church behind us. "Catholics!" he snorted, "You don't know whether you're coming or going these days!" I assumed this outburst was fueled by the current focus on alleged Cardinal sins. Sometimes, you come up with the perfect subtle yet incisive riposte, but it's hours or days after a challenging remark or put-down In this instance, my mouth just yapped out the first thing that came into my head: "No, but we're still here!" The other woman, probably in her late sixties, wearing very sensible shoes and carrying a possibly even more sensible bag of shopping from M and S, suddenly let out a raucous "Yeah, deal with it!" After this display of random but surprisingly satisfying unity, the man scarpered up the road; the woman and I set off in different directions.

Recently, there have been several seemingly authoritative reports concluding that the Catholic Church will now need to reflect on her way forward, particularly as she chooses and embraces a new pontiff. In fact, the Church will always need to reflect; she's the Church, for goodness sake. Of course, the Papal Conclave may well instigate more particular and specific dialogues, to be welcomed by many of us. Essentially, much as others might want her to disappear in a cloud of non-Vatican smoke, the Church isn't "going" anywhere in the most basic sense, but will continue to reach wherever we may be.
A lot of pointed and sometimes pointless commentaries will be made about the latest scandal in the Catholic Church in coming weeks, in and outside of the media. This post is sincerely not intended to join in such speculation. I'm not belittling the seriousness of any individual's situation, nor any future implications for the Church as a whole. But to paraphrase an old saying, faith and people can be a bit like teabags: you may not appreciate their strength until they're in hot water. The Catholic Church does expect a lot from people; in turn, we ask much more of her priests and effectively heaven and earth from the Church herself.

I do feel that although religion is sculpted and organised by man, faith is naturally occurring. I know that I'm still very ignorant about Catholicism, but my own rather unpolished faith feels instinctive. The truest friendships seem intuitive to me; it's instinctive for me to light a candle sometimes when I sense someone is feeling lost or dark. This is what I was doing the other day; this post is also partly for that friend, even if they never read it.

Unusually for me, I have no idea where I copied this prayer from, nor who originally composed it: it was nesting in one of my scribble-books. I've resisted the urge to Google it; also rather unusual for me. It's occurred to me that it doesn't matter where or who a wish, blessing, prayer or indeed faith comes from, simply where it's intended and who it might touch along the way.

*Prayer For Unfailing Strength* 

Do not look forward to what may happen 

tomorrow; the same everlasting One who cares 

for you today will take care of you tomorrow and 

every day. Either He will shield you from suffering, 

or He will give you unfailing strength to bear it. 

Be at peace, then. Put aside all anxious thoughts and 

imaginations, and say: "You are my 

strength and my shield. My heart has trusted in You 

and I am helped. You are not only with me but in me, 

and I in You." 

"Wherever You Will Go" Charlene Soraia

"No man who is occupied in doing a very difficult thing, and doing it very well, ever loses his self-respect." 

(George Bernard Shaw)

(Photo: Gigi, album)

Great Expectations

“There is the solitude of suffering, when you go through darkness that is lonely, intense, and terrible. Words become powerless to express your pain; what others hear from your words is so distant and different from what you are actually suffering.”  

(John O'Donohue) 

I was originally going to title this post "Faux Amis". Literally "false friends", this is a grammatical term for  pairs of words or phrases in two languages or dialects which may look or sound similar but can have contradictory opposing meanings:  "equisito" in Spanish means exquisite, special; "esquisito" in Portuguese means strange or odd. I was intending to demonstrate how varying definitions of friendship can lead to actual division and ultimate disappointment; I was trying to be too smart for my own good.

I wrote the poem "Humbug" a couple of years ago when a dear friend of mine was continually being let down by people who had no idea she might feel she could, or should, depend on them. In recent weeks, I've felt that I was living through very dark days indeed. No particular details are necessary, but money, career, health and hopes have been depleted or even dashed. I told one longstanding friend that I didn't recognise myself and wondered where I'd gone! She immediately said she wanted the old Gigi back: the one who's always first with a laugh and the last to admit defeat; the one she's always depended on. Her words were sweetness to me, but they brought home the sourness I've been feeling. What happens when the Dependable One crumbles, when the broadest shoulders are hunched, when everyone's best friend suddenly needs a best friend his or herself? My admission of being shaky seems to have upset some friends' equilibrium; some have been short with their advice and impatient with their hugs.

Of course, the answer is that my own perception of the relationship between us was flawed. I've almost instinctively turned to those I've given time and emotion to in the past months, during their own dark times. I'd forgotten the golden rule of giving: there is no "returning the favour"; one doesn't give a favour, one gives a gift. It simply isn't giving if you expect something in return. When I was little, my favourite auntie told me I had a talent for friendship. Certainly, the Irish side of me sees all strangers as acquaintances who could be your new best friends. And yet there's nothing wrong or lacking in being acquaintances. Essentially, there are no bad friends, just false expectations. Expectation as a judgement on friendship is the mother of all disappointments.

My heart tells me that a friend is the nicest thing to find and the best thing you can be: my experience now shows me that the two need not be intrinsically linked. I may have been a friend to those who now don't feel the need to respond to me in kind. That doesn't negate what has happened between us; it doesn't prohibit the situation altering in the future. And far from being Billy-No-Mates, I have dear friends who love me and have become family to me; some I've known for more than half of my life, others I've met more recently,  yet the bond has been as instant and strong as Superglue. The late Catholic mystic John O'Donohue said: “Real friendship or love is not manufactured or achieved by an act of will or intention. Friendship is always an act of recognition.” True friendship can't be bought with gold, nor earned by kindness.  I know I will carry on giving and will try my darnedest not to expect anything back: then any return will be the wonderful bonus it should be. There is an old Scandinavian proverb which asks simply "Love me when I least deserve it: that's when I need it most."

My blogger friend Ramon read my poem and immediately sent me "Solitude", by Ella Wheeler Wilcox. It's a clever little poem: the complex shades of friendship are coated in a symmetrically melodic rhyme. I've happily reproduced part of it here. I find it rather poignant at the moment, but it doesn't illustrate what I truly feel. People often say you should be your own best friend: ultimately I believe God will either give you the strength to walk your street unaccompanied or He will place those He intended to be part of your story along your way. We can't dictate who we will love or when, nor whether or not someone will love us. True love should always be unconditional, whether it is the romantic idyll of soul mates, the love of our "besties" who are the friends of our soul, our blood-relatives, or the love of God living through us. Our original soul mate will always be God: the way of God in others can inspire and encourage us; His way in us will sustain beyond any expectations.

From "Solitude"

(Ella Wheeler Wilcox)
Laugh, and the world laughs with you;
Weep, and you weep alone.
For the sad old earth must borrow it's mirth,
But has trouble enough of its own.
Sing, and the hills will answer;
Sigh, it is lost on the air.
The echoes bound to a joyful sound,
But shrink from voicing care.
Rejoice, and men will seek you;
Grieve, and they turn and go.
They want full measure of all your pleasure,
But they do not need your woe.

"I Won't Let you Go"  James Morrison

“You have travelled too fast over false ground;
Now your soul has come to take you back."

(John O'Donohue)